Cousins' Party?

Recently I went to a family gathering with my cousins on my mother’s side of the family. It was actually something out of the ordinary. Most of the time, we only got together as a group on holidays or weddings or funerals.

This time, the primary purpose was to say farewell to my aunt who was moving back to her native England. It was kind of a sad occasion. My daughter is quite close to my aunt. But, I suppose, in this day and age, distance is of lessening concern when you think that we can turn on a computer and talk via a web cam. Still, nothing beats seeing family in person.

I had already been thinking about it when my one cousin suggested having a cousins’ party once a year. It’s something we do with some irregularity with my wife’s family. It would be great to have that family closeness. It’s something I’ve always wanted and something that would be good for my daughter to get to know where she comes from.

It would be easy to have my cousins from my mother’s side get together every year. I wouldn’t even mind having it at my own home to have some traditional consistency. It seems that may be what it will take to continue the cousins’ party with my wife’s family. But for the cousins on my father’s side there is a singular problem.

My cousins from dad are scattered all over the country. Like me, they mostly come from modest means. Having a tradition where we all get together every year would be almost impossible, as well as a logistical nightmare. What I was thinking about for this side of the family that we have something about every other year or every five years and all get together in a central location.

It still may be problematic, though I would seriously consider it. Save up for it like a special vacation. I have some cousins on this side of the family that I have never met. Some I have not seen in years. And I worry that the distance, both geographical and emotional, will serve only to drive us further apart.

I want to be a part of my cousins’ lives. I want them to be a part of mine. I want to be able to look and see – to know – my family. As much of them as I can. Maybe it’s a dream I can place in the “some day” column of my life. But it’s a dream I don’t think I can give up on. If I don’t care or try, how can I expect others in my family to care. And then what will become of the family?

Booting Up the In-Laws

It finally happened. My in-laws finally got their first computer. And they entrusted me with helping them choose the one that was right for them.

This happened several weeks ago. Took my father-in-law down to the store and showed him several models, including the one I thought would be best for him. I let him play with it a bit, something I think is important as he would be the one who would have to work and live with it for the length of its life. We decided a laptop would be best for them and he seemed to take to the track pad well.

To say that my in-laws are computer illiterate is an understatement. They would be the first to agree. I think my father-in-law has difficulty with most pieces of technology. But that’s okay. He comes to me to explain things as best as I can or, at least, set it all up so that it works.

I felt real good when he asked me to hook him up with the computer. I understood that it was still a large responsibility. Not just that I was placing my still budding rep on the line, but because we do so much on our computers, I could cause some real problems choosing the wrong equipment and setting it up incorrectly. Not to mention the money they put down.

What made me feel even better was when I was talking to the sales rep about what I wanted to set him up with, my father-in-law said that it sounded like we were speaking in a foreign language. He said he was impressed by the fact that I kept pace with the sales guy and in no time we had the computer, router, anti-virus software and a system back-up.

And that wasn’t the end of it! I explained as best I could how to order the broadband connection from his cable company. Then the first weekend I could get down there, I set up his email accounts. Was going to set up some other systems for him, but he had to tear me away so that I could enjoy myself a little.

Still, whenever they have a question or a problem, I’m the one they call. I’ve helped them through a few rough patches and, when I couldn’t, pointed them in the right direction. Maybe there is something to this computer thing for me after all. I really enjoy it. I hope that I’ve been of some help. Maybe they will recommend me to others. I know I’m ready and willing to help when I can. Makes me feel like I have contributed to someone’s education, productivity, and entertainment.

My Own Worst Nightmare

I spend so much time worrying about my little girl and her speach difficulties. Today I had an episode of my own. Work got very hectic today. All the morons out in the snow for no reason at all. One guy runs over a tree - yes a whole tree! Claims he didn't see it with all the snow. How can you not see a fuckin' tree!

Anyway, I got a little over-zealous, as I am wont to do. Nothing major, but I had to address one claim to my managers and I was so eager to get all the information out that I was stuttering and stumbling over myself. I had a tough time finding the right things to say to verbally organize my thoughts and convey them to people in authority over me. I felt like such an ass!

It got me thinking tonite as my daughter was physically trying to force the words out. How can I really help her when I have yet to help myself?

Zulu

I know there are those out there who try to reach me. Since I like to speak to people from all over, it's hard for me to focus on a specific time. For those who know about Greenwich Mean Time (GMT), or UTC as it is now known, this is the time zone that I would like to use when trying to pin down chat or even just to refer to something that has happened during the day. It is usually denoted by the term "zulu time" and seems to be a fairly easy way to fix a confusing dilemma.

Little Bobby

Little Bobby got screwed again. Another item gets returned to whence it came. She says that it can be added to the "wish list"; as in, when the Sun burns out and the Earth is a charred cinder. And there is only that particular "one" that will do. Well, Little Bobby has decided to put a little away and get it then. And, Little Bobby doesn't give a shit.

Let us not forget how stupid, selfish, inconsiderate and petty Little Bobby is. Nothing that is done is good enough or done right. Little Bobby's head is full of stress to the point that it boils over like a kettle left to heat for far too long. No relief in sight and no help from the outside.

True love sits on the precipice of oblivion. Is there such a thing as true love? Possibly, but it is clear that Little Bobby is undeserving. Love from friends? Little Bobby is not permitted to have any. Love from family? Alas, the fear of it being ripped away.

What cruel fate is it that makes the simple so complicated. The feeble minded seem so brazen in their opinions. The soul is stained black with all the circumspection.

Let me sleep a long sleep. Let me dream of better days. Let me enter the next life secure in the knowledge that, in this life, I tried.

NEW YEAR - 2009!

The new year is upon us. What new experiences will it bring. I started my new job a few weeks ago and it is going great. I hope it lasts as it is a temporary position right now. All things in their due time, I suppose. I guess I'll just have to wait to see what 2009 holds.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS

A Day At Popcorn Park Zoo

Horses and Camels.

Peacocks. The gators scared Emily.

Mommy and Emily watching the tiger.

Yes, Emily liked the lions, tigers and goats!

And after a long day at the zoo, Emily helps mommy make some Halloween cookies.

The Best Feeling

My daughter is learning how to sleep in a "big girl" bed. She gets scared very easily so I have had to lie on large foot rest next to her bed so she will be able to sleep. The last few nights I put my head down on her bed next to her and pretended to sleep. Then I felt my little girl tracing my face with her finger and running her hand through my hair.

It's a good feeling being a daddy. Especially with a little girl. Makes you feel really special.

My Sisters

Happy 21st Birthday!! Have a drink on me!

Me and My Cousins

It has been decades since I last saw my cousin, Laura. We were just kids then. When I found her it was like a dream come true. I had found a missing piece of our family. Tonight we met for the first time in all those many years. I was with our cousins Carolyn and Michele. We almost didn't recognize her as she came into the yard. She seemed not to recognize us, either. But there was a connection there that only exists with the bonds of close family ties. When I hugged her it was like a compulsion had overwhelmed me, telling me not to let her go for fear of losing her again. She seemed close to tears when she saw all of us. I have to say I felt the same.

My cousins are all older than I am. Michele and Laura only by a few months. It was almost like an older sister coming home.

Usually at these yearly meetings, we lament on those who are no longer with us. This year we got to celebrate one of us coming home.

Laura came with her boyfriend. He seems to make her genuinely happy. It is good to see family happy. And she seemed happy to be with us.

I wish I had more time to spend with her tonight. Unfortunately, other familial duties took precedence. Still, I wish that she and I and Carolyn and Michele could have sat together, just the cousins by the light of the bonfire that Michele's husband Tony usually sets ablaze after the sun goes down and talked.

I've always wanted a sense of closeness to my family. I think I'm getting it. Michele is great. We grew up interested in some of the same things. I think of us as close. She and Tony are very good together. Because of them, we have a venue to meet with each other at least once a year. A time when I am once again "Little Bobby". A time to be with family. People I care about greatly.

Carolyn lives close to her sister. Her husband, John, is a great guy. Many a time it has been Tony, John and I trying to keep out of trouble from our significant others during the times we are together. They have a bright and energetic little boy who will grow and now the love of family around him.

But the highpoint of tonight was Laura. No one knows how much I had been waiting for this. I love my family, even though sometimes I don't show it very well. I hate being apart from them. Maybe it's because growing up I didn't feel like I had that close family structure. Now I yearn for it. It felt so good to hold and touch and talk to my cousin again. Relive old memories and the hopes of making new ones. I hope she doesn't stay along that long again. She is family, a part of who I am. She has added to the person I have become. I hope she likes this me. I hope the next time we get together is not too far off.

Love you, Laura, Carolyn and Michele.

Bobby

. . . And Then There Was Me . . .

Only those of us who have gone through it can really understand it. Depression is one of those things you have to experience to fully appreciate.
What kills you is the ultimate feeling of loneliness. Like you are the only person in the world. Or that no one cares about you. It is a feeling of total seperation from people around you; friends, family, co-workers. You feel worthless or you undervalue yourself. You doubt your abilities and how much you might mean to others.
You try so hard to reach out for some type of human contact. Some indication that there is a someone there to catch you when you feel unsteady. You know there is someone, but still you doubt.
Doubt. Another way to sum up what depression is like. Never ending doubt. Doubt and lonliness. Twin killers.
Depression isn't a momentary moment of sadness. It is a condition that needs to be treated. Those of us who suffer from depression know it is an uphill struggle each day. We mostly hide in the shadows that something is wrong. We fight a silent battle against an enemy that exists only in our own minds.
A battle I intend to ultimately win.

IN MEMORIA

It has been 20 years. Twenty long years. Everyone loses someone at some time. But there are always those that cut you to the core. This is one of those.

She has always been my beacon and my guide. She was my protector, my mentor and my role model. She lived through the depression, WWII, raised 7 children in a home smaller than one built for a family of 3. She helped raise over a dozen grandchildren (me among them) and did it all with only one arm.

My grandmother was a person you didn't cross, but also someone you looked up to. She seemed to have all the answers.

When she got sick, all she wanted was to come home. To be with her family. Sadly, this was not to be.

But for nearly all of those 20 years on this date, I go to visit her and tell her what has been happening in my life. Twenty years and I am still trying to earn her approval. I hope that I can measure up to her memory. Not that I need try. I am my grandmother's grandson. That's important to me. Her blood runs through my veins and, hopefully, a piece of her.



We all need someone like that. Someone we build up to almost mythic proportions. A person to aspire to be like for the altruistic qualities you remember them for.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Yesterday, August 8th, was my wife's 30th birthday. She looks pretty good, doesn't she? Now I can joke and call her old. They grey hairs will come and I will probably giver her most of them! Guarantee that I will probably give her every one! Thirty is a milestone. You're not too old, but you are old enough to use some of those life experiences to help you make those increasingly big decisions. But, as they say, life is like a rollercoaster. We're all just on for the ride!
Well, Happy Birthday, Honey! Like fine wine and cheese, you get better and better with age!

Blogging, Friends and Friends

I have had this account for some time. I just never really knew what to put in it. I have a friend who also has a blog here that gave me some inspiration and the nerve to put thoughts into words. Thanks, Iulia.
Anyone who knows me knows that I have a very vivid imagination, apt mind and lots of emotion. This space gives me the chance to try to put into words how I am feeling, points I want to make and ideas I want to share. It is a chance to express myself in an open forum. This is especially important as there are family and friends that I do not get a chance to see as often as I would like. And sometimes it is easier to write down my thoughts than saying them in person.
I have a great family. I love my family. I have a great wife who loves me no matter what and a little girl who amazes me each and every day. I try to devote as much as I can to my family, including my mother, brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles and cousins. Sometimes I don't succeed. They are always in my heart, though, even if I don't express it as much as I should. My father-in-law is someone I especially wish I could express myself better to. I think he and I share so many things and interests in common. Just like fathers and sons, though, it's hard to get into talks about how much we mean to each other. Ever since my dad passed, he has been like my own dad. He has always been there no matter what. I look forward to spending Super Bowl Sunday and our yearly Father's Day Phillies game together.
I miss my dad. I wish he was around to see what I have done and am doing. I think there is quite a bit of him in me. I feel that I never really appreciated him until he was gone and I didn't have his influence anymore. I think it's important to tell people how you feel about them while we have the chance.
My friends are like family to me. I don't really think I can make anyone realize how much my friends mean to me. I don't throw that word around casually. I have acquaintances and people I associate with. But I think when I label a person my friend, it means something. And I don't play favorites as I know that sometimes some people may not get along. I love each of my friends for who they are. I appreciate them for how they make me feel, not for what they do for me. Laura & Walter, Ryan & Steph, Ralph, Steve, Jen & John. These are people I count on. And I try to make friends whenever I can. Lory, Iulia, Claire, PJ, Chris, Deea, Irina, Simona, Maria, Elena, Ocky, Mary, Rose, Iris, Dave, Anna, Lily, Anela, Kim, Lu, Diana, Magdalena, Mona (awesome artist!), Catalina, Noemi and more. If I invite you to read this blog, I hold a special place for you in my heart.
I hope to cover many things here. Anything my mind dreams up. I may write about my day. Give a shout out to someone. I will definitely post lots of science, especially if I read about something that peaks my interest. I am a huge Philadelphia sports fan so be prepared for my ravings on the Eagles (Go Birds!), Phillies, Sixers and Flyers. Even though I was not privileged to serve, I am big on the United States Navy (thanks Dad). I also have a fondness for the United States Marine Corp. (Semper Fi, Little Brother). I may even bring in my love of Star Trek. I hope this helps me express myself better. I hope people understand me better. I also hope that I can bring some smiles or knowledge to my friends and family.
We'll see.