Zulu

I know there are those out there who try to reach me. Since I like to speak to people from all over, it's hard for me to focus on a specific time. For those who know about Greenwich Mean Time (GMT), or UTC as it is now known, this is the time zone that I would like to use when trying to pin down chat or even just to refer to something that has happened during the day. It is usually denoted by the term "zulu time" and seems to be a fairly easy way to fix a confusing dilemma.

Little Bobby

Little Bobby got screwed again. Another item gets returned to whence it came. She says that it can be added to the "wish list"; as in, when the Sun burns out and the Earth is a charred cinder. And there is only that particular "one" that will do. Well, Little Bobby has decided to put a little away and get it then. And, Little Bobby doesn't give a shit.

Let us not forget how stupid, selfish, inconsiderate and petty Little Bobby is. Nothing that is done is good enough or done right. Little Bobby's head is full of stress to the point that it boils over like a kettle left to heat for far too long. No relief in sight and no help from the outside.

True love sits on the precipice of oblivion. Is there such a thing as true love? Possibly, but it is clear that Little Bobby is undeserving. Love from friends? Little Bobby is not permitted to have any. Love from family? Alas, the fear of it being ripped away.

What cruel fate is it that makes the simple so complicated. The feeble minded seem so brazen in their opinions. The soul is stained black with all the circumspection.

Let me sleep a long sleep. Let me dream of better days. Let me enter the next life secure in the knowledge that, in this life, I tried.

Jasmin Does It Again

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Me and My Cousins

It has been decades since I last saw my cousin, Laura. We were just kids then. When I found her it was like a dream come true. I had found a missing piece of our family. Tonight we met for the first time in all those many years. I was with our cousins Carolyn and Michele. We almost didn't recognize her as she came into the yard. She seemed not to recognize us, either. But there was a connection there that only exists with the bonds of close family ties. When I hugged her it was like a compulsion had overwhelmed me, telling me not to let her go for fear of losing her again. She seemed close to tears when she saw all of us. I have to say I felt the same.

My cousins are all older than I am. Michele and Laura only by a few months. It was almost like an older sister coming home.

Usually at these yearly meetings, we lament on those who are no longer with us. This year we got to celebrate one of us coming home.

Laura came with her boyfriend. He seems to make her genuinely happy. It is good to see family happy. And she seemed happy to be with us.

I wish I had more time to spend with her tonight. Unfortunately, other familial duties took precedence. Still, I wish that she and I and Carolyn and Michele could have sat together, just the cousins by the light of the bonfire that Michele's husband Tony usually sets ablaze after the sun goes down and talked.

I've always wanted a sense of closeness to my family. I think I'm getting it. Michele is great. We grew up interested in some of the same things. I think of us as close. She and Tony are very good together. Because of them, we have a venue to meet with each other at least once a year. A time when I am once again "Little Bobby". A time to be with family. People I care about greatly.

Carolyn lives close to her sister. Her husband, John, is a great guy. Many a time it has been Tony, John and I trying to keep out of trouble from our significant others during the times we are together. They have a bright and energetic little boy who will grow and now the love of family around him.

But the highpoint of tonight was Laura. No one knows how much I had been waiting for this. I love my family, even though sometimes I don't show it very well. I hate being apart from them. Maybe it's because growing up I didn't feel like I had that close family structure. Now I yearn for it. It felt so good to hold and touch and talk to my cousin again. Relive old memories and the hopes of making new ones. I hope she doesn't stay along that long again. She is family, a part of who I am. She has added to the person I have become. I hope she likes this me. I hope the next time we get together is not too far off.

Love you, Laura, Carolyn and Michele.

Bobby

. . . And Then There Was Me . . .

Only those of us who have gone through it can really understand it. Depression is one of those things you have to experience to fully appreciate.
What kills you is the ultimate feeling of loneliness. Like you are the only person in the world. Or that no one cares about you. It is a feeling of total seperation from people around you; friends, family, co-workers. You feel worthless or you undervalue yourself. You doubt your abilities and how much you might mean to others.
You try so hard to reach out for some type of human contact. Some indication that there is a someone there to catch you when you feel unsteady. You know there is someone, but still you doubt.
Doubt. Another way to sum up what depression is like. Never ending doubt. Doubt and lonliness. Twin killers.
Depression isn't a momentary moment of sadness. It is a condition that needs to be treated. Those of us who suffer from depression know it is an uphill struggle each day. We mostly hide in the shadows that something is wrong. We fight a silent battle against an enemy that exists only in our own minds.
A battle I intend to ultimately win.

Blogging, Friends and Friends

I have had this account for some time. I just never really knew what to put in it. I have a friend who also has a blog here that gave me some inspiration and the nerve to put thoughts into words. Thanks, Iulia.
Anyone who knows me knows that I have a very vivid imagination, apt mind and lots of emotion. This space gives me the chance to try to put into words how I am feeling, points I want to make and ideas I want to share. It is a chance to express myself in an open forum. This is especially important as there are family and friends that I do not get a chance to see as often as I would like. And sometimes it is easier to write down my thoughts than saying them in person.
I have a great family. I love my family. I have a great wife who loves me no matter what and a little girl who amazes me each and every day. I try to devote as much as I can to my family, including my mother, brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles and cousins. Sometimes I don't succeed. They are always in my heart, though, even if I don't express it as much as I should. My father-in-law is someone I especially wish I could express myself better to. I think he and I share so many things and interests in common. Just like fathers and sons, though, it's hard to get into talks about how much we mean to each other. Ever since my dad passed, he has been like my own dad. He has always been there no matter what. I look forward to spending Super Bowl Sunday and our yearly Father's Day Phillies game together.
I miss my dad. I wish he was around to see what I have done and am doing. I think there is quite a bit of him in me. I feel that I never really appreciated him until he was gone and I didn't have his influence anymore. I think it's important to tell people how you feel about them while we have the chance.
My friends are like family to me. I don't really think I can make anyone realize how much my friends mean to me. I don't throw that word around casually. I have acquaintances and people I associate with. But I think when I label a person my friend, it means something. And I don't play favorites as I know that sometimes some people may not get along. I love each of my friends for who they are. I appreciate them for how they make me feel, not for what they do for me. Laura & Walter, Ryan & Steph, Ralph, Steve, Jen & John. These are people I count on. And I try to make friends whenever I can. Lory, Iulia, Claire, PJ, Chris, Deea, Irina, Simona, Maria, Elena, Ocky, Mary, Rose, Iris, Dave, Anna, Lily, Anela, Kim, Lu, Diana, Magdalena, Mona (awesome artist!), Catalina, Noemi and more. If I invite you to read this blog, I hold a special place for you in my heart.
I hope to cover many things here. Anything my mind dreams up. I may write about my day. Give a shout out to someone. I will definitely post lots of science, especially if I read about something that peaks my interest. I am a huge Philadelphia sports fan so be prepared for my ravings on the Eagles (Go Birds!), Phillies, Sixers and Flyers. Even though I was not privileged to serve, I am big on the United States Navy (thanks Dad). I also have a fondness for the United States Marine Corp. (Semper Fi, Little Brother). I may even bring in my love of Star Trek. I hope this helps me express myself better. I hope people understand me better. I also hope that I can bring some smiles or knowledge to my friends and family.
We'll see.